Welcome to 2019! Feel free to email me - sandy@sandyland.net October 16, 2019  Last night I saw an old stereo pop up in my news feed. I had a feeling and showed it to Chris. We drove 2 hours to bring it home. It was late so we left it in the back of the car till tonight. This morning as I sat in the back under my favorite tree, meditating, I could not shake the feeling I needed to take that old stereo out of my car. I felt the call, I felt the sadness, the loneliness, the rejection of this old piece of furniture as it laid on its back waiting like a cast off family member, anticipation of yet more rejection. It was an odd sensation, but I went with it. I got the hand cart, went out into the cold garage and opened the door. There she was, I pulled her dusty worn frame to the edge, she was lighter than I thought she would be, nothing rattled, it was like she was holding her breath, trying to be as accommodating as possible. I pulled her out of the car in one smooth sliding motion, upright, like she was on her feet again, it almost felt like a breath being drawn in after you could not breath for awhile. I smiled at the grain of the wood, I touched the wrinkled veneer, running my fingers over the missing pieces. As I looked into the dial, and smiled, she is still beautiful. I thought back to that one day long ago, in what was probably a different world, time lost in time, someone brought her home. a stereo radio, vacuums tubes, and a turn table, a lovely piece to put out int he living room, proud, excited and happy. They plugged her in and her vacuums tubes whirred quietly as someone lightly touched the dial and moved the needle on the radio until music spilled from her speaker, people laughed, they smiled they hugged, she had purpose, she brought joy. Then as her family held hands and danced, her turn table spun, the records played with that wonderful scratch that they have as the needle ran through the groves of the vinyl. She was the center of the living room, for years she was thier pride and joy as they dusted her with pledge and kept her radiant. She stood in the corner watching as the family grew, the music changed, always ready to light up her dial to make the family smile. Then came the day that vacuums tubes were just not the thing, records had moved on to tapes and she was tucked away, forgotten. No more pledge, no more dancing, slowly over time she was moved from he living room, to the garage, to the shed, then given away... she stood silently rejected not he porch of a home that did not understand records or vacuum tubes or how to appreciate her for the joy she has delivered with all she was. the fog got under her veneer, the outside element peeled it up, she was not the beauty she once was. Then she called to us. Then just could not leave her in the garage.I brought her into the kitchen, into the house, not to be forgotten. I talked to her as I rubbed in the polish from my lemon scented dust rag over her rough cracked skin, asking her if she remembered this feeling, I could feel her joy as she the light came back into her. Her cord if frayed, her tubes are old and no longer hold power, but we will find a place for her. Look at that old piece of life, and ask yourself, where have you been? what have you seen? How can I appreciate you now? We will give her new life, new purpose. There is a place in this new world for old things, that brought such joy. I placed a vase from my grandmother over her chipped veneer, smiled as it fit perfectly and said you are home. October 13  Today I finally hit the weight limit that was posted. I took a breath thinking, I am still too big, my hips are too wide. I did not want to risk the humiliation of being rejected yet again. Chris encouraged me to just try... think of all the other rides you now fit on... You can do this. So I summoned my courage and went behind the fence that had barred me for so many years. I found a seat with a number I liked, pulled up the bar, and slid in! I was stunned, shocked and amazed as the attendant checked my belt without a moment of hesitation, wondering if I belonged, I did! I was here! I can ride! I loved the feeling of the swings, it was like flying, the wind in my face, my arms outstretched, my smile as bid as the world I have discovered! I see the pull of this ride, the joy is now mine! October 10, 2019 My coach Bonny got me the coolest necklace with a rollercoaster charm on it. I put the charm on my watch band so I can see it all the time. She had the best thought behind it. the charm is to celebrate my victory over 100 pounds. It is symbol of what getting to a healthy weight is all about; It is full of ups and downs, you just hold on and ride it to the end. I love this! On the bracelet is also a charm I made myself with the number 100 on it, and the anvil was from Chris to remind me of the weight I no longer carry around.  Then my amazing husband Chris got me the coolest t shirt and coffee cup. He is such a wonderful support, I adore him. This is my dream come true and I am so thankful for the people I have around me supporting me and cheering me on.  More Halloween fun October; I start this month with a solid victory!! I hit my -100 pound mark October 3rd!  Such a difference from this October 5, 2019 And the question beckons. Why? why did I start this blog. I think because for the last 16 months, I "did" my program, but I did not believe my program. Getting to goal was never even a reality. Now that I hit -100, I am thinking, "hmmmm this is really happening". At first I was not going to say a word, I felt ashamed, how did I let this happen. Then I realized, I did, and that is it, I am taking responsibility now, and I cannot be alone in these feelings. So maybe it is time to put pen to page and document, the odd place my brain is traveling now. where I am going, who I am becoming... September; Goodbye 14 pounds. September 25, 2019
My answer to that was simple; I cannot afford Not to be on program ~~~ When not on program we would go to dinner 2 maybe 3 times a week. It would range $30- $100 each meal. Let’s my say $160 a week in meals out. Then you have the junk food runs usually a Friday or Saturday night.... At least at $50. That did not include groceries not on program we eat a lot of convivence foods, and BIG portions. and that bill was usually $600 a month.
Now with lean green at home, groceries are maybe $200 a month. we get chicken breast BBQ them up and divide them into 6 oz portions. We hit the farmers markets and get produce cheap, unless our garden is producing enough. we are saving money on this plan.
When you look at it, Optavia order is $800 a month, or fuelings are 25.70 a day for the two of us. Maybe $3 for a lean green at home meal. Total cost $861 a month. Off plan - $720 out + $225 junk runs + $600 Groceries = $1545 a month Not to mention the health cost of eating off plan. With Optavia, we are saving money, and our lives. "Sep 24, 2019  This morning I found this picture in a album I have... I love the image of finding myself inside. Sep 18, 2019 Odd brain confusion. I was size 24 - then - 22 - then 20 - and for the longest time 18.... This morning I have on size 16... Every time I go to the bathroom (and sometimes just because) I look in the waist band to be sure... I am finding it hard to believe...Time to retire the 18's to the garage, it is REALLY REALLY happening. I also checked the suit case (where I keep too small cloths) I have like 10 pairs of jeans & capri's lined up for size 14, it is a coming! At the end of September 2019, I fit on both Flight Deck, and Drop Zone!
Sep 16, 2019
This morning I am feeling proud of me. This is an odd sensation. Yesterday we went to an Octoberfest with friends. I ate before I went and told myself to enjoy the enviornment, not the food. I usually ignore my silly self when she says things like this. Well we went. I ate and drank nothing (it was only 3 hours). I left there feeling powerful and happy! I did it! LOL and yes hubby wore Lederhosen that his son brought from Germany! I am nailing program now! I found a coach Bonny that I really connect with and she is guiding me through.  We even went to Seattle for 3 nights to see our amazing Chris walk the stage for his graduation. Two years in the making of this dream for him, he graduates with his Bachelors, James and Cherie even attended, coming all the way from Korea. To top of this amazing trip, I came back with a LOSS! September 11, 2019  Under 250HaPpY DaNcE!!! I struggled to get past 255, then 250 seemed crazy stuck..... Now BAM 243!!!!! And NOW the prediction on my Happy Scale App shows me hitting my goal by November 28!!! I need it by December 16 so I am feeling confident I will make it. Oh My Gosh is this for real??????? August; 11 pounds gone. Asked Bonny to be my coach. I need the support. She agreed!
August 15th, we went back to TOPS! I need to be at goal by December so I can graduate at the last IRD in 2020! Super fun! I can ride most coasters, I am still working toward Flight Deck, drop zone, and celebration swings.
   
End of August, time to make the yearly pilgrimage to Lake Shore Learning to get the supplies for our classroom and our up coming school year.
July; I got rid of another 13 pounds.
I am riding more and more. Enjoying every thrill and scream.
July also brought some fun family time at Californias Great America celebrating Taste of New Orleans! It was wonderful to have Paul and Eileen join us at our favorite place, and meet the people we know there. Paul even scored a Golden ticket in the WIllie Wonka coin push machine, and gave it to Chris, super cool.      June; I got rid of 15 pounds. Roller coasters are calling me! I feel free, like I have been given wings!
 May; I gained 5 pounds. May 26th When we got back from Vegas it was time to enjoy time with our newly blended family. We felt blessed but the love and support of our children, grand children and extended family.  These are OUR amazing children. We are so proud of each of them.  May24th, 2019 We did very well in the beginning of the month. I even fit into my amazing wedding gown! James and Cherie got this for me, and I worked hard to be able to wear this lovely dress. We went to Vegas to get married and celebrated a bit too much. But oh, what a wedding! It was amazing and we had a wonderful time!
My Uncle Scott gave me away, James & Cherie, and our grand daughters were there to witness our love come full circle. Chris was handsome in his uniform and I felt like a princess in my wedding dress.  We married at the Chapel of the Bells! This was special as Chris's last name is Bell, it was a chapel just for us. They picked us up in a limo and guided us through every step of the ceremony. It was magical.  made the day even better.
Cherie had ordered a wedding cake! I have to say I ate way too much as it has got to be the best cake I have ever tasted!  After the wedding we celebrated with our wonderful grand daughters in the secret garden located in the hotel. This was the best day of my life. I could feel the love all around me. It was bliss.  ~   May 23, 2019 April; I got rid of another 2.8 pounds! April 18, 2019   The butterfly symbolized freedom. The Purple represents power and ambition. The stability of blue and the fierce energy of red. Purple also represents creativity, wisdom, dignity, peace, pride & independence. I got this tattoo to symbolize, my story is not over. I am free to be me! I am so thankful that I have Chris to come along with me. April 13, 2019 Saturday night Sis came in from Oklahoma with John. It was a huge tear fest when us two sisters saw each other for the first time in 25 years. We got them a room so we could spend Sunday with them. Sunday we went to explore an old fort. There when you stand at the top of the castle, you can see the curvature of the earth! It was a pretty amazing place. Wonderful old rock structure with a broken down cook pit near the picnic tables. dirt paths lead you to the entrance and as you hear the wind whistle through the building you can feel the sprits of the people that have crossed through and climbed those steep stairs to the top. Tuesday we went to the WW2 museum and I was dumb struck. wow I cannot even imagine the horror of war. it was a wonderful tribute to the men and women who fought. In the cafeteria Chris got the best Ruben sandwich I think I have ever tasted. Then we crossed the street and went to the Federal Reserve. that was very interesting too, come on MONEY how could that NOT be cool LOL Wednesday we went on a road trip, following the mile marker road signs and billboards leading us to "the fantastic caverns". We had to laugh at the advertising, and wonder what we ere headed into. We were so glade took the trip as the caverns and their stories are mind blowing. I loved it they took us by golf cart down into the caverns, I have never seen anything so cool. And it was discovered by 8 young ladies in the 1800's that explored it by candle light in skirts! the rock formations were stunning, the colors breath taking. Thursday Off to Leavenworth and the Carousel museum... very fun and a good history Lesson in CW Parker traveling carousels. we even got to ride on a carousel that was over 100 years old. We chose the "lovers cup" it was a round car on the carousel, where back in the day young lovers could ride together and get to "accidentally" touch hands in public. I could only dream of the young people who kindled that first spark of love in that car. Friday off to the Truman Library and then a ride through history on a wagon train. Saturday Home again... Home again...We took an amazing trip to Kansas. It was a wonderful trip. Chris showed me where he was raised, we did overindulge but we lived, with curiosity and vigor.
  
March; Did better got rid of 22 pounds by the end of March.  I saw the monster she was. It is a true thing when people say "You do not know what happens behind closed doors". I know what happens, I lived in the shadows of her abuse. I stood terrified of the door closing, of what terror that awaited me and my sister when we were alone. As hard as she tried, she could not destroy me. I wish I could say the same of my younger sister. In her final days, she called, her words "I love you" were hollow and mocking. A saying "go by the actions not the words" echoed in my head. Then her final attempt to slap to my face, bad mouthing me in her trust. I smiled even laughed at her, as I say she could no longer hurt me, she affirmed to the world how she felt about me, it was no longer hidden behind her false smile. She hated me, I saw her for the evil monster she was. I am ok, she was never my Mother. I am better because she is gone. March 16, 2019 - Hair dye and tears  I dyed my hair tonight. Dark Auburn the box says.... OMG! OMG! OMG! it is AWFUL! I look like a witch! I am in tears. Chris assures me it is ok. I am in panic mode, this is NOT ok... I ordered dye remover from Amazon and I will fix this, get it off my hair. and then, I am going natural, no more trying to look younger, I am what I am at my own age! I feel like I have a cup of burgandy wine on my head.  Mother did call March 9th, trying to pull me in with an "I love you", I was not going to be suckered in again. I was proud of myself when I shut her down and hung up the phone. I felt powerful, I could finally stand up to the monster.March 1st, 11 months after joining Optavia I am sad to say, I am not close to goal. We are not sticking to plan enough. I am at 286 this morning. Chris is at 230. Our first goal when we came back was to get me small enough to ride on roller coasters. We have kind of done that I can ride a couple, but a couple was not the goal. February; I gained 15 pounds.  I was selling my soul for the love of a Mother. I lost sight of what I wanted for me. She was dying, I felt I had to put myself aside, do not be selfish. She was cruel, I ate. I cleaned her house, while she bad mouthed me, I ate. I brought her gifts, she let me know they were not good enough, I ate. I finally stopped after she took her last emotional swing at me, she prank called me after gathering an audience while she was in the hospital. She was pretending to cry, acting distraught, claiming to be afraid of my father ghost. As I tried to comfort her, offering her reassured options, she was mocking my kindness to the onlookers, telling them how gullible I am. I being honestly worried, called her friend to go check on her, as I was told by her my brother had blocked me from visiting her in the hospital. Her friend felt bad as she told me, it was all a big joke on me. I realized, this was hopeless, she was evil. Later I found out from my brothers wife, she had also relayed the story to her, and they had a good laugh... Who laughs at that? She moved in my brother and his wife February 9. They like her had their own motivations in life. She had trained her son well, he was just like his mother. I tried to show kindness to him, until I saw what he had become. It was over, I could move on. I am done trying.
 Chris took me to Anderson reservoir for a hiking adventure. Fesh air and nature can cure and broken heart or shattered dream. January; I managed to lose 5 pounds.  Chris, being his amazing supportive self tried to take my mind off of this desperate struggle. He took me out in the world, I got to See the big rock at Morro Bay, something that had been on my bucket list for years.  We spent the day in San Francisco's China town enjoying the treats of the new Year.  We even had an adventure at Hearst Castle marveling at the beauty that man could create.  My Dad died June 2018 of lung cancer. Mother is diagnosed with Leukemia in January 2019. I miss my father. I always tried to love the woman I called mother. Despite her abuse, I could not let go of the childhood dream of a Mother that loved me. I tried, maybe because she was dying, she would finally be kind and maybe even love me...
I am still struggling with my weight!
It is time to get serious.  we committed last year to doing this.
January 1; I started at 279
Feel free to email me - sandy@sandyland.net |
My friend Brenda came back from a TOPS IRD held in Oregon and let me know 2020 will be the last IRD! It will be in New York. If I want to make that dream of my childhood come true, NOW is the time! 
Our wedding was coming up in May and I needed to fit in my wedding dress. 
