2019 It was an eventful year!
The best laid plans sometimes become very spontaneous! We planned to take the train to LA, rent a car, drive to San Diego, go to Balboa Park, the Zoo, then wild animal park, and knotts Berry farm. Well that is NOT what happened.
The morning of the train, it was 9 hours delayed. Plan B; Drive to San Diego.
On the road we discover that it is going to rain our entire trip... We still want to go to Balboa park and do that on Sunday. It was a perfect day, the weather cooperated and we enjoy the international houses and the organ concert.
Knowing the animals will probably be inside in the rain, we change it up our plans and go to Disney Land! We did three days at Disney.
On the 24th we drove to the La Brea Tar pits for a little history lesson. It was super fun. I now know they are not filled with tar, they have a layer of liquid asphalt in the bottom and a layer of water over the top that lured the animals into their fate.
Then back to Disney and California Adventure for Christmas day.
Let me just say Disney land IS delicious! I was a little worried eating off plan, however walking 6 miles everyday, we came back under our goals. We had a great time as always.
On the 28th we drove home and picked up our doggies, and relaxed into the new year! Hope 2020 saw everyone safe and ready for new adventures.
KOPS! December 12
Whewwwww I did it! Made my year end goal a week early!
I go to a weight loss suppo
rt group called TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) they fully support my Optavia life style. With the encouragement of my amazing husband Chris, my ever positive Optavia coach, Bonnie and my TOPS chapter CA1340 Seaside, this life long dream has come true.
I will be graduating from TOPS to KOPS (Keep Off Pounds Sensibly) in April of 2020. I will get to be in the circle of light for the first time ever. I can feel my Grandmother smiling from heaven.
What a difference a year makes! I have your back baby!
Air Fryer joy
I am so seriously in love with the new air fryer I got for Christmas from Chris's kids.These little gems are the chocolate brownie soft bakes.
I usually do not like them, and they stick to the baking cup, and are dry (to me).
In the air fryer 375° for 8 minutes using a silicone mini bunt mold, and they are perfect!
I feel like I am so not on program, like I stepped into happy CAKE LAND
One year apart
Thank you to my Optavia coach Bonny Toy for creating this picture collage for me.
November at Chaffee Zoo in Fresno, one year apart, same Giraffe!
November 13, 2019
Made a HUGE choice today.
I have not gotten rid of my too big clothing XXXL and all the way up to size 26. The boxes are on the shelf right next to my car.
In the beginning it was because I did not believe this could happen. Now it is to remind me of the fact that I CAN GO BACK.
I am but one taste, one free meal, one holiday, one birthday, one food can fix this moment, one I will be do better tomorrow bite away.
I would be clothed, but I would be sad, I would feel physical pain. I would wrap in my big coat and shrink away from the world.
I am living the someday I only dreamed of. I must never forget the yesterdays I left behind.
November 12, 2019
Health scare, take a breath
Sometimes it is hard to remember that food will not fix everything.
I am learning to face life head on, without a fork in my hand.
October 11, I had a yearly girlie girl checkup, come on ladies you know the one. It was uncomfortable as usual; to make it even more fun, the office I go to has MULTIPLE doctors, so you never see the same one twice. Today I got the Nurse practitioner... no biggie just a poke and scrape.
I was so proud - Last year Blood Pressure 180/90 ~ this year my Blood pressure was 120/68! Last year weight 295 ~ This year 221.5
The excitement of my good health progress was short lived as the Physicians Assistant came through the door, her mind obviously made up about this overweight patient she was about to see. Yes I have lost weight, but I am still over weight. As she pulls back the curtain she is already lecturing me on the importance of losing weight… Words about eating more fruits and vegetables, drinking water, and not eating junk food were flowing from her mouth…
I sat stunned, speechless and neekid! Chris looked totally puzzled. READ MY CHART! I wanted to scream. I smiled, I took a breath and I pointed out my weight loss, and changes to my health, I got crickets in return.
Then she moves right on to a mammogram lecture, I silently stare at her, I get one every year no problem, you do not have to lecture me on the benefits.
She did the exam, i survived, and lucky for her I resisted the urge to fart in her face.
She tried to shame me into improving my health. I know who I am, I know what I have done / survived, She had no idea who I am, what I have accomplished, or the grit that is my soul. Fact is, she does not matter in the greater scheme of things, nor does her opinion of me.
Joy of joys, she calls me to tell me the lab report on the pap came back abnormal. Then goes into her spiel about how I need to come in for a biopsy and how important it is, cancer bla bla cancer bla bla; I cut her off right there. IF she had read my chart, she would know it always comes back abnormal. I had set up the follow up the day I saw her. This next appointment is in the works. This is a yearly event. Columbus Day, I get the checkup, Veterans day I get the biopsy and the mammogram. I just enter them into the calendar at this point like a birthday. I know how this goes; the biopsy will come back normal.
I had nearly recovered from this aggravation when the 7th I got a bladder infection. I know many people can relate. It was after office hours, so I had no choice but to go to doctors on duty. I got the sweetest doctor, and he was a cutie as well. I gave them my blood, oh wait urine sample and waited. I knew what I needed, antibiotics / Macrobid to be exact.
In comes doctor cutie pie, all doctorish; then without even examining me tells me it is post menopausal break through bleeding… seriously? Dude I am 60, I know a bladder infection when I get one, why would you even think the bleeding is coming from my whoha? you have not even peek down under!
I did not argue, I smiled, nodded likewise letting him ramble on till he was finished. I just wanted drugs and to go home. He gives me a lab order for the ultrasound and my prescription and sends me on my way. One dose of the antibiotic, and the pain and blood is gone.
Chris however after five years of experiencing the girl doctor drama thinks the ultrasound is a good idea, let’s see what it is doing in there. Sure..... Easy for him to say. I knew he was right, I went ahead and did it. Let’s just say it was an experience.
So here I am November 11, still sore from the bladder infection, and the probing ultrasound. Got my boobs mashed at 2pm and am up on the table to be filleted at 3pm. I do have to say, the doctor that did the biopsy was kind and encouraging even is she cut me apart like a cheap fish.
Sigh, man oh man a cheeseburger, vanilla shake, fries, chocolate, cake, ice cream all sound good right about now! I just want to bury my brain in sugar and fat and make the world of doctors go away. I am scared, I hurt, I am tired, I am wounded both emotionally and physically.
NO! I play my mental tape; Food won’t fix this! ~~ If hunger is not the problem, food is NOT the answer! I repeat over and over in my head.
I did not indulge. I know I will be ok, and IF I try to feed the fear monster to shut it up, I will just have to lose the weight I pack on, all over again. The monster will still be there, only well fed and stronger for the next fight. I have to win this round.
November 13; Well as of today the ultrasound has come back – normal, I have to laugh at their verbiage, my girl bits are unremarkable.
Still waiting on the biopsy result.
My food plan, it survived another rock on the path that we call life.
November 14; mammogram comes back perfect. I feel like I can breath again.
November 2nd! I ride with HIM! I ride with HER
You could have never convinced me a million years that I would ask anyone to take a picture of me from the back. However with our cool matching shirts and a year of amazing weight transformation, I did just that. Even I think we look Great!
Also Last year I wanted to ride Demon, this year I RIDE!
October 31, Halloween Feeling all CinderellaThis year was a big thrill for me. I got to actually buy a costume from the store, it fit and I felt like a princess.
Even better yet I had my Prince Charming on my arm. Life is magical.
.A night of true terror at the Haunt October 26
.We were having another amazing night of scary mazes and laughing with strangers at the Halloween Haunt. The...Halloween spirit was running high. We had already gone four times to the Haunt at our favorite theme park California’s Great America and were ready for more fun. The park was packed with 24,000 people in attendance.
It was 10:30pm; We were in the back of the park chatting with our pal Mike when loud aggressive mob of teens came towards us at the center were many groups fighting. Chris and Mike took me by each arm while pulling me up out of the way to safety. I was shaking, it was a huge gang fight happening right in front of us. I have never seen anything like this, it was scary. Then garbage cans started flying and things escalated and became destructive. There was one kid on the ground being kicked by four others, my heart hurt for him, however in such a large group of anger charged people, it seemed foolish to run in. As fast as they moved in, like a flock of birds they turned and went back the direction they had come, still fighting and destroying everything in their path.
At that point we started walking toward the front of the park and the exit. I felt our night was over, this had just gotten too real. Still talking to our friend, we were joined by other people, everyone was confused at what was happening, everyone headed away from the area of the fight. We got to Orleans place near the front of the park, when suddenly came the first flood of panicked people. People were shouting active shooter in the back of the park, he is coming this way!! It was pure panic. My guardians pulled me back so we could duck behind a building and watched as hundreds fled past us, dropping their belongings as they ran, scooping up their children, leaving strollers and backpacks in their wake. It was mass pandemonium. People were crying, screaming for loved ones, stumbling, falling, there was terror in their faces. As we huddled behind a building, we heard no gun fire, we saw no blood. We stayed put as we did not want to be trampled in the panic.
When it quieted down we came out of our hiding place to witness the ground littered with purses, backpacks, funnel cakes and shoes. I was feeling like I was watching a dream, I felt very disconnected. The fat girl who still lives inside me perplexed I looked at the multitude of funnel cakes left on tables, and thrown to the ground, thinking, oh no not the funnel cakes! The humanity! At $15 each they are precious, I cannot imagine dropping such an amazing delicacy on the ground, or abandoning it on a table no matter what danger faced us. Then I was snapped out of my funnel cake dream as another deluge of people came towards us, the scenario repeating like deja vu.
As the third wave passed, we made our way out to the parking lot. Along the way trying to give comfort to those who seemed overwhelmed. It was Just a momentary hug, a touch on the shoulder, a kind word that I hope helped.
Once at the car we were forced to sit in gridlock as we observed people pouring from the park, scaling the chain link fences to escape, knocking over barriers, like panicked animals running into the surrounding streets. Tear filled faces all around us, shrieks, people overcome with trepidation while car alarms blared in the chaos of the night, helicopter blades whirling over head. I sat shaking in the confusion and terror that surrounded us. Chris remained calm throughout trying to reassure me we were safe.
While we waited to move Chris encouraged me to call our kids and let them know where we were. Paul and James assured me that Chris was well trained would protect me. Paul asked us to stop at his home on our way home. We needed a safe place to calm down before we headed for the safety of our own home. We did stop at Paul and Eileens home for a needed bathroom break, debriefing, and a hug. I am surprised by the change of my mind set however, I never ever thought to drown my fear with food, this would have been me in the past, I am now learning to face life head on without a spoon in my hand. Come to find out there was no shooter, but the panic was real.
**We went back to the park the very next week. We still love Great America. We spent the day checking on friends and hearing everyones stories of that fateful night. Other than a few scrapes, everyone was ok, at least physically, I think that night will leave its mark on us all.
October 20, 2019
today we flew!
It was amazing. I was so afraid. I watched the guys before us go, they dropping head first, lets just say looked insane. Then they flew and were all smiles.
I had my son and daughter there, and they were encouraging me to do it. I paid, Chris was so excited, I could not say no.
Getting in the gear was so alien to me, It was busy and weighted, like putting on a lead apron. How is this heavy thing going to help me fly? The attendants knew what to do, they latched, strapped and buckled up in, then sent us out to the platform.
We got in the lift and I was wondering what I was thinking??? I am nuts. Is it too late to run? Yes it is the walls came up and we were rising.It was one of those moment where I question my judgement.
They latch us to the wires that will pull us to the top, they double check the latches
and ask if we have any questions... I giggle to myself as I think, yeah, what am I doing?! then they lift you slightly knocking your your feet out from under you, you drop forward like you're going to face plant into the floor of the lift.... AND you're floating, I have to say that was the scariest moment... floating! Then in a flash you're being hoisted backwards, watching the ground go farther and farther below you. I remember thinking, there is cement... lots of it, no soft place to land if this is an epic fail!
The attendants then count down 3-2-1 and you have to pull the rip cord freeing you to drop, I made Chris as I was not sure I could rip off that bandage...
Then it is breathtaking, you're falling, yet floating, weightless like swimming under water, but you can breathe. Then your mind registers, you are flying, you swing out wide and high, you can feel the wind in your face, you are a feather! Floating, dancing on the breeze, circling back and forth, the world below you. It is the most mind and body freeing feeling I have ever experienced. I was above the world, gravity could not touch me.... I will do it again...
Ever hear something talk to you? Not someone, but something?Last night I saw an old stereo pop up in my news feed. I had a feeling and showed it to Chris.
We drove 2 hours to bring it home.
It was late so we left it in the back of the car till tonight.
This morning as I sat in the back under my favorite tree, meditating, I could not shake the feeling I needed to take that old stereo out of my car. I felt the call, I felt the sadness, the loneliness, the rejection of this old piece of furniture as it laid on its back waiting like a cast off family member, anticipation of yet more rejection. It was an odd sensation, but I went with it.
I got the hand cart, went out into the cold garage and opened the door. There she was, I pulled her dusty worn frame to the edge, she was lighter than I thought she would be, nothing rattled, it was like she was holding her breath, trying to be as accommodating as possible. I pulled her out of the car in one smooth sliding motion, upright, like she was on her feet again, it almost felt like a breath being drawn in after you could not breath for awhile.
I smiled at the grain of the wood, I touched the wrinkled veneer, running my fingers over the missing pieces. As I looked into the dial, and smiled, she is still beautiful. I thought back to that one day long ago, in what was probably a different world, time lost in time, someone brought her home. a stereo radio, vacuums tubes, and a turn table, a lovely piece to put out int he living room, proud, excited and happy. They plugged her in and her vacuums tubes whirred quietly as someone lightly touched the dial and moved the needle on the radio until music spilled from her speaker, people laughed, they smiled they hugged, she had purpose, she brought joy. Then as her family held hands and danced, her turn table spun, the records played with that wonderful scratch that they have as the needle ran through the groves of the vinyl. She was the center of the living room, for years she was thier pride and joy as they dusted her with pledge and kept her radiant. She stood in the corner watching as the family grew, the music changed, always ready to light up her dial to make the family smile.
Then came the day that vacuums tubes were just not the thing, records had moved on to tapes and she was tucked away, forgotten. No more pledge, no more dancing, slowly over time she was moved from he living room, to the garage, to the shed, then given away... she stood silently rejected not he porch of a home that did not understand records or vacuum tubes or how to appreciate her for the joy she has delivered with all she was. the fog got under her veneer, the outside element peeled it up, she was not the beauty she once was.
Then she called to us. Then just could not leave her in the garage.I brought her into the kitchen, into the house, not to be forgotten. I talked to her as I rubbed in the polish from my lemon scented dust rag over her rough cracked skin, asking her if she remembered this feeling, I could feel her joy as she the light came back into her.
Her cord if frayed, her tubes are old and no longer hold power, but we will find a place for her. Look at that old piece of life, and ask yourself, where have you been? what have you seen? How can I appreciate you now? We will give her new life, new purpose. There is a place in this new world for old things, that brought such joy. I placed a vase from my grandmother over her chipped veneer, smiled as it fit perfectly and said you are home.
On the outside looking in
For the longest time, well, forever actually, I stood on the outside of this fence watching other people ride the swings. I told myself "they look lame, not fun at all" that was just because even at my smallest, I did not fit, I could not ride. Today I finally hit the weight limit that was posted. I took a breath thinking, I am still too big, my hips are too wide. I did not want to risk the humiliation of being rejected yet again. Chris encouraged me to just try... think of all the other rides you now fit on... You can do this. So I summoned my courage and went behind the fence that had barred me for so many years. I found a seat with a number I liked, pulled up the bar, and slid in! I was stunned, shocked and amazed as the attendant checked my belt without a moment of hesitation, wondering if I belonged, I did! I was here! I can ride! I loved the feeling of the swings, it was like flying, the wind in my face, my arms outstretched, my smile as bid as the world I have discovered! I see the pull of this ride, the joy is now mine!
October 10, 2019A couple of nice surprises after my 100 pound victory!
My coach Bonny got me the coolest necklace with a rollercoaster charm on it. I put the charm on my watch band so I can see it all the time.
She had the best thought behind it. the charm is to celebrate my victory over 100 pounds. It is symbol of what getting to a healthy weight is
all about; It is full of ups and downs, you just hold on and ride it to the end. I love this! On the bracelet is also a charm I made myself with the
number 100 on it, and the anvil was from Chris to remind me of the weight I no longer carry around.
Then my amazing husband Chris got me the coolest t shirt and coffee cup. He is such a wonderful support, I adore him. This is my dream come true and I am so thankful for the people I have around me supporting me and cheering me on.
More Halloween fun
I start this month with a solid victory!!
I hit my -100 pound mark October 3rd!
October 5, 2019 WHY
And the question beckons. Why? why did I start this blog. I think because for the last 16 months, I "did" my program, but I did not believe my program. Getting to goal was never even a reality. Now that I hit -100, I am thinking, "hmmmm this is really happening". At first I was not going to say a word, I felt ashamed, how did I let this happen. Then I realized, I did, and that is it, I am taking responsibility now, and I cannot be alone in these feelings. So maybe it is time to put pen to page and document, the odd place my brain is traveling now. where I am going, who I am becoming...
I posted a picture of my October cupboard, full of medifast, ready for another month on program. Someoneasked me: "Wow how can you afford all that? For one person it's over 300$ dollars and one box is like 20$ is that like a months supply?”
My answer to that was simple; I cannot afford Not to be on program ~~~
When not on program we would go to dinner 2 maybe 3 times a week. It would range $30- $100 each meal. Let’s my say $160 a week in meals out.
Then you have the junk food runs usually a Friday or Saturday night.... At least at $50.
That did not include groceries not on program we eat a lot of convivence foods, and BIG portions. and that bill was usually $600 a month.
Now with lean green at home, groceries are maybe $200 a month. we get chicken breast BBQ them up and divide them into 6 oz portions. We hit the farmers markets and get produce cheap, unless our garden is producing enough. we are saving money on this plan.
When you look at it, Optavia order is $800 a month, or fuelings are 25.70 a day for the two of us. Maybe $3 for a lean green at home meal.
Total cost $861 a month.
Off plan - $720 out + $225 junk runs + $600 Groceries = $1545 a month
Not to mention the health cost of eating off plan. With Optavia, we are saving money, and our lives.
"Sep 24, 2019 finding me
This morning I found this picture in a album I have... I love the image of finding myself inside.
Sep 18, 2019 size and brain confusion
Odd brain confusion. I was size 24 - then - 22 - then 20 - and for the longest time 18.... This morning I have on size 16... Every time I go to the bathroom (and sometimes just because) I look in the waist band to be sure... I am finding it hard to believe...Time to retire the 18's to the garage, it is REALLY REALLY happening. I also checked the suit case (where I keep too small cloths) I have like 10 pairs of jeans & capri's lined up for size 14, it is a coming!
At the end of September 2019, I fit on both Flight Deck, and Drop Zone!
Sep 16, 2019 Proud of me
This morning I am feeling proud of me. This is an odd sensation. Yesterday we went to an Octoberfest with friends. I ate before I went and told myself to enjoy the enviornment, not the food. I usually ignore my silly self when she says things like this. Well we went. I ate and drank nothing (it was only 3 hours). I left there feeling powerful and happy! I did it! LOL and yes hubby wore Lederhosen that his son brought from Germany!
I am nailing program now! I found a coach Bonny that I really connect with and she is guiding me through.
We even went to Seattle for 3 nights to see our amazing Chris walk the stage for his graduation. Two years in the making of this dream for him, he graduates with his Bachelors, James and Cherie even attended, coming all the way from Korea. To top of this amazing trip, I came back with a LOSS!
September 11, 2019 Under 250
HaPpY DaNcE!!! I struggled to get past 255, then 250 seemed crazy stuck..... Now BAM 243!!!!! And NOW the prediction on my Happy Scale App shows me hitting my goal by November 28!!! I need it by December 16 so I am feeling confident I will make it. Oh My Gosh is this for real???????
Asked Bonny to be my coach. I need the support. She agreed!
My friend Brenda came back from a TOPS IRD held in Oregon and let me know 2020 will be the last IRD! It will be in New York. If I want to make that dream of my childhood come true, NOW is the time!
August 15th, we went back to TOPS! I need to be at goal by December so I can graduate at the last IRD in 2020!
Super fun! I can ride most coasters, I am still working toward Flight Deck, drop zone, and celebration swings.
End of August, time to make the yearly pilgrimage to Lake Shore Learning
to get the supplies for our classroom and our up coming school year.
I am riding more and more. Enjoying every thrill and scream.
July also brought some fun family time at Californias Great America celebrating Taste of New Orleans! It was wonderful to have Paul and Eileen join us at our favorite place, and meet the people we know there. Paul even scored a Golden ticket in the WIllie Wonka coin push machine,
and gave it to Chris, super cool.
Roller coasters are calling me! I feel free, like I have been given wings!
May 26th Back home to spend time with our amazing family!
When we got back from Vegas it was time to enjoy time with our newly blended family.
We felt blessed but the love and support of our children, grand children and extended family.
These are OUR amazing children. We are so proud of each of them.
May24th, 2019 OUR WEDDING!
We did very well in the beginning of the month. I even fit into my amazing wedding gown! James and Cherie got this for me, and I worked hard to be able to wear this lovely dress.
We went to Vegas to get married and celebrated a bit too much. But oh, what a wedding! It was amazing and we had a wonderful time!
My Uncle Scott gave me away, James & Cherie, and our grand daughters were there to witness our love come full circle. Chris was handsome in his uniform and I felt like a princess in my wedding dress.
We married at the Chapel of the Bells! This was special as Chris's last name is Bell,
it was a chapel just for us. They picked us up in a limo and guided us through every
step of the ceremony. It was magical.
When we got back to the hotel, Paul and Eileen had sent up some chocolate covered strawberries, my all time favorite and a wonderful bottle of champagne, it was so sweet and made the day even better.
Cherie had ordered a wedding cake! I have to say I ate way too much as it has got to be the best cake I have ever tasted!
After the wedding we celebrated with our wonderful grand daughters in the secret garden located in the hotel.
This was the best day of my life. I could feel the love all around me. It was bliss.
May 23, 2019 TSA
Got second look at TSA.... LoL think I need a new passport picture!
April 18, 2019Tattoo
Kansas City Missouri. Made a stop at all souls tattooing. I’ve been thinking about every aspect of this particular tattoo for months now. And I finally got it. It includes a semicolon, as the butterflies body. The meaning behind that is Take a breath; the story continues!
The butterfly symbolized freedom. The Purple represents power and ambition.
The stability of blue and the fierce energy of red. Purple also represents creativity, wisdom, dignity, peace, pride & independence.
I got this tattoo to symbolize, my story is not over. I am free to be me!
I am so thankful that I have Chris to come along with me.
April 13, 2019 Kansas City here we come!
We flew out this morning, first class! It was a good flight. Landed and headed to Newton Kansas. Miles and Miles of Miles and Miles LOL. I have never seen any place so flat. Newton is a cute little town I really like it. Felt like home town USA. We went to see where Chris grew up, his Grandfathers house a small house with a nice little stoop on a tree filled street. A place where every body know every body. I went up and knocked on the door, just so happens that an old friend of his now owns the house and we stood on the porch and chatted for a long time.
Saturday night Sis came in from Oklahoma with John. It was a huge tear fest when us two sisters saw each other for the first time in 25 years. We got them a room so we could spend Sunday with them. Sunday we went to explore an old fort. There when you stand at the top of the castle, you can see the curvature of the earth! It was a pretty amazing place. Wonderful old rock structure with a broken down cook pit near the picnic tables. dirt paths lead you to the entrance and as you hear the wind whistle through the building you can feel the sprits of the people that have crossed through and climbed those steep stairs to the top.
Monday we headed out to see the steam ship museum of the ship called the Arabia. It was fascinating. It ship sank on the Mississippi over 100 years ago and was buried in mud with preserved it. just wow history! It was the Wallmart of the day. tons of inventory buried for decades under the mud, now in air controlled rooms for us to marvel at. The stories of steam ships not he river lured you in and helped you feel the adventure of days gone by.
Tuesday we went to the WW2 museum and I was dumb struck. wow I cannot even imagine the horror of war. it was a wonderful tribute to the men and women who fought. In the cafeteria Chris got the best Ruben sandwich I think I have ever tasted.
Then we crossed the street and went to the Federal Reserve. that was very interesting too, come on MONEY how could that NOT be cool LOL
Wednesday we went on a road trip, following the mile marker road signs and billboards leading us to "the fantastic caverns". We had to laugh at the advertising, and wonder what we ere headed into. We were so glade took the trip as the caverns and their stories are mind blowing. I loved it they took us by golf cart down into the caverns, I have never seen anything so cool. And it was discovered by 8 young ladies in the 1800's that explored it by candle light in skirts! the rock formations were stunning, the colors breath taking.
Thursday Off to Leavenworth and the Carousel museum... very fun and a good history Lesson in CW Parker traveling carousels. we even got to ride on a carousel that was over 100 years old. We chose the "lovers cup" it was a round car on the carousel, where back in the day young lovers could ride together and get to "accidentally" touch hands in public. I could only dream of the young people who kindled that first spark of love in that car.
Friday off to the Truman Library and then a ride through history on a wagon train.
Saturday Home again... Home again...We took an amazing trip to Kansas. It was a wonderful trip. Chris showed me where he was raised,
we did overindulge but we lived, with curiosity and vigor.
March 30th at noonish; The monster died, it was a joyous relief. The world saw the person she pretended to be, I saw the monster she was. It is a true thing when people say "You do not know what happens behind closed doors". I know what happens, I lived in the shadows of her abuse. I stood terrified of the door closing, of what terror that awaited me and my sister when we were alone. As hard as she tried, she could not destroy me. I wish I could say the same of my younger sister. In her final days, she called, her words "I love you" were hollow and mocking. A saying "go by the actions not the words" echoed in my head. Then her final attempt to slap to my face, bad mouthing me in her trust. I smiled even laughed at her, as I say she could no longer hurt me, she affirmed to the world how she felt about me, it was no longer hidden behind her false smile. She hated me, I saw her for the evil monster she was. I am ok, she was never my Mother. I am better because she is gone.
March 16, 2019 - Hair dye and tears
I dyed my hair tonight. Dark Auburn the box says.... OMG! OMG! OMG! it is AWFUL! I look like a witch! I am in tears. Chris assures me it is ok. I am in panic mode, this is NOT ok... I ordered dye remover from Amazon and I will fix this, get it off my hair. and then, I am going natural, no more trying to look younger, I am what I am at my own age! I feel like I have a cup of burgandy wine on my head.
Mother did call March 9th, trying to pull me in with an "I love you", I was not going to be suckered in again. I was proud of myself when I shut her down and hung up the phone. I felt powerful, I could finally stand up to the monster.
March 1st, 11 months after joining Optavia I am sad to say, I am not close to goal.
We are not sticking to plan enough. I am at 286 this morning. Chris is at 230.
Our first goal when we came back was to get me small enough to ride on roller coasters. We have kind of done that I can ride a couple, but a couple was not the goal.
I was selling my soul for the love of a Mother. I lost sight of what I wanted for me. She was dying, I felt I had to put myself aside, do not be selfish. She was cruel, I ate. I cleaned her house, while she bad mouthed me, I ate. I brought her gifts, she let me know they were not good enough, I ate. I finally stopped after she took her last emotional swing at me, she prank called me after gathering an audience while she was in the hospital. She was pretending to cry, acting distraught, claiming to be afraid of my father ghost. As I tried to comfort her, offering her reassured options, she was mocking my kindness to the onlookers, telling them how gullible I am. I being honestly worried, called her friend to go check on her, as I was told by her my brother had blocked me from visiting her in the hospital. Her friend felt bad as she told me, it was all a big joke on me. I realized, this was hopeless, she was evil. Later I found out from my brothers wife, she had also relayed the story to her, and they had a good laugh... Who laughs at that? She moved in my brother and his wife February 9. They like her had their own motivations in life. She had trained her son well, he was just like his mother. I tried to show kindness to him, until I saw what he had become. It was over, I could move on. I am done trying.
Chris took me to Anderson reservoir for a hiking adventure. Fesh air and nature can
cure and broken heart or shattered dream.
Chris, being his amazing supportive self tried to take my mind off of this desperate struggle. He took me out in the world, I got to See the big rock at Morro Bay, something that had been on my bucket list for years.
We spent the day in San Francisco's China town enjoying the treats of the new Year.
We even had an adventure at Hearst Castle
marveling at the beauty that man could create.
I am still struggling with my weight!
Our wedding was coming up in May and I needed to fit in my wedding dress. It is time to get serious.
My Dad died June 2018 of lung cancer. Mother is diagnosed with Leukemia in January 2019.
I miss my father. I always tried to love the woman I called mother. Despite her abuse,
I could not let go of the childhood dream of a Mother that loved me. I tried, maybe because
she was dying, she would finally be kind and maybe even love me...