2020 The year that wasn't

September 2, 2020 Depression and self medicating  I can’t believe the last time I posted was April. But then again I can’t believe 2020 has turned into what it is. My Day Care is gone. I’m learning to fill my days with other things. I have battled some pretty dark depression. And as a friend of mine wants told me “everybody has their drug of choice”. I discover strongly that my drug is food. I have fed my body some pretty terrible things to comfort it. And as a result my weight is way up. I woke up this morning with the same thought that I have had many mornings, today, this is it, get back on program. And then I remembered my page that I was so proud of, and thought maybe it’s time to come here and post some of my thoughts. I’ve taken up painting and done a lot of pictures, the days that I paint I’m very good on program, but after a while you run out of wall space. So today I’m going to attempt Optavia five and one, without sitting in a chair and painting all day. I’m going to try to be active. I don’t know what the rest of this year is going to bring, but I know the first part is nothing I could’ve ever imagined. I will survive this, I am a survivor.

COVID-19 April 11 -- Hello world are you there?  

It feels like in a single breathe, one deep sigh, we were ok, then we were not. 

By the thousands! In the cold light of beeping hospital rooms, around the world, people are dying, alone... Then there are those that do not have the hope of help, dying in dark back rooms while family members huddle in fear afraid to comfort or even breathe around those they loved. The divide between the upstairs and the down stairs is becoming more and more evident. At times I think we do not even live in the same house any longer. 

The devastation in the air is heavy, as mask wearing humans scurry about like rats on a sinking ship. 

I cower here in the silence, like a good minion, doing as I am told. I shelter in place. I stare blindly trying to decode the messages chattering at me from our government. America has been abandoned as has the rest of the world. I am beyond afraid. I live daily with sadness and confusion, not knowing where to turn, or who to believe. In my hopelessness as I await the silent killer of COVID-19 to come claim another victim, I have returned to old methods of comfort and safety. Food. I know in my mind that food is a lying temptress nevertheless her songs are powerful. 

How did we get to this place? Just weeks ago there was music! People were thriving. Graduations were planned. Birthday parties were in the works. There would be Spring weddings with flowers and sunshine. 

Now people are losing their homes, their jobs, their futures, their lives. 

Now I look out in horror and have to wonder, are we dead men walking? At this moment, we think we are well, but they tell us this virus can lay hidden for fourteen days before rearing its ugly head. We could be sick and not even know it. Even though we are doing all the "right" things right now, it is the last fourteen days that can determine if we live or die. I am trying to appreciate every free breath I take. I strive to look through the darkness of isolation and search for the rainbow on the other side.